I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
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Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.