Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
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I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.