Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
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Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet