6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
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Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I’d rather fork than spoon.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave