Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Van Gone
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.