[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
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If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”