[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
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(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now