me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
You Might Also Like
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.