[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
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The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.