[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
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realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old