Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
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Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Don’t we all.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*