My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
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Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
The glockness monster
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.