[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
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I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Best spoiler warning ever
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.