The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
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Pretty certain I can more drunk
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Battery falling down a hole
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?