[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
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If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me