My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
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Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If you鈥檝e been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Doctor: I鈥檓 sorry but you鈥檙e not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I鈥檝e ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
70鈥檚 horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Recycling in 2019: I鈥檓 not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn鈥檛 have a party I鈥檓 just an alcoholic
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 馃槝
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 馃槈
Them: …many, many laws.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
#titanic
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I鈥檝e been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
So inspired right now.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife鈥檚 list, but no worries I鈥檓 sure there鈥檚 another dad here that I can copy off of.