I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
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I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I feel it
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.