I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
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I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.