Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
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If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.