“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
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Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.