If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
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Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
she鈥檚 a 10 but excel thinks she鈥檚 an October
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I鈥檓 happier now that I鈥檝e changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it鈥檚 the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it鈥檚 the vodka.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I鈥檓 never taking these pills.
#KarenAndTheCat 馃槈
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you鈥檝e ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Body by Oreos
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years