[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
brian had himself a morning…
the pigeons are already plenty salty
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Friends that check up on you >
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.