hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
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I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
new year update: losing everything but weight
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no