Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
You Might Also Like
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.