don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
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That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see