*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
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TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a