I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
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*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.