If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
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The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Wake me when AI does housework
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*