oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
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“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.