Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
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If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?