I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
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I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems