My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
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Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so