Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
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[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
What’s so funny?
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.