[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
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ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
somewhere, in an alternate universe
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
We avoided this particular disaster
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.