“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
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Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Yup
LOL
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
called in thicc to work this morning
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
handsome & gretel
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?