“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
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How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂