[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
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GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
me refusing to leave twitter
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Smile they said.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job