have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
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Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.