[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
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I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”