The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
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A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Just ordered me some pizza!
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”