Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
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[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”