Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
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Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Twitter is the new flypaper.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Is your wife single?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*