[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
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Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
“I’m helping” 😅
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.