“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
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[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
the Monday after daylight savings
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
so this horse walks into a bar
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.