My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
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My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
our love story in four pictures
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.