Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
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I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
just leave it at the foot of the bed
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…