Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
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When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.