no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
You Might Also Like
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen