Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
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We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.