These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
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*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family